This Weird Girl

Feeling like a failure sucks.

As I was pregnant, breastfeeding, and 100% home, I had a clean house and gave a lot of hugs. But by 5 years, my ability to remain present began to crash. By 7 years, I entered my first mental health emergency care. By 10 years, I stopped making healthy food from scratch, and the family ate pizza, McDonalds, and Ramen. By 12 years, I hid in my room a lot. By 15 years, I was considerably checked out. By 16 years, I was staying away from the house or laying in my bed. By 20 years, I was never home, and my house was certifiably disgusting. By 21 years, the adult children started making both accusations and affirmations. By 23 years, I tried unsuccessfully to get hired for the career I was doing before marriage.

Today, I feel like I failed my children and wish I could have a do over.